


the truth never really lives in the story of words we say

by phoenyxies (berriesbloom)



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Character Study, Dancing, Flashbacks, Gen, Introspection, Unrequited Crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-26
Updated: 2020-07-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:55:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25537678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/berriesbloom/pseuds/phoenyxies
Summary: Caleb asks Jester to dance. Jester sees something.(or, Jester has a high wisdom score, and knows how easy it is to project what you feel onto something else.)
Relationships: Jester Lavorre & Caleb Widogast
Comments: 6
Kudos: 32





	the truth never really lives in the story of words we say

“Jester?” 

Caleb’s voice is barely audible over the music. Crowded together at the biggest table in the tavern, the Nein were keeping light conversation with mugs of ale and cups of milk. Jester was pressed up against Beau, who was a line of heat along her left side, and Veth was sitting on her right side. Everyone’s wrapped up in their own conversations; Beau and Yasha are talking, Caduceus and Fjord are doing something, and Veth is yelling something across the table to Fjord. It’s lovely, the tables around them are full of other lively travelers, and there’s a steady stream of music coming from a band across the tavern. It’s the perfect time for life drawing.

That’s why it takes Jester a moment to hear Caleb. At first, she glances over to where she last saw him sitting, but he isn’t there. A tap on her shoulder makes her turn around, and he’s standing there with a small smile on his face. She grins back, tail waving, and his smile grows.

“The, ah, last time we did this, you asked. So I thought I’d return the favor.” His hand leaves her shoulder, and he holds it out to her. “Would you like to dance?”

His eyes never meet hers, opting to linger on the wooden floorboards around their feet. Jester would feel a little offended by it, honestly, if she wasn’t so overjoyed by what he was offering.

“Yes! Caleb, that’s so sweet of you!” She trills, trying to clamber out of her seat without kicking someone in the shin. They’re all crowded onto a couple of benches, and only now does Jester see why this seating arrangement might’ve been a bad idea. She grabs for Caleb’s hand, and he helps wrangle her off of the bench.

“You good?” He asks. Jester nods and she fixes her skirt as she stands up. She lets go of his hand, but his fingers stay around hers. He holds on awkwardly for a few moments, and Jester just shrugs and holds his hand back. 

Caleb nods towards the budding dance floor. There’s a few pairs already swaying to the rhythm of the current song, and Jester can see the band getting ready to play something livelier. Jester squeezes his hand tighter, and she pulls him over to the dance floor.

It takes some fumbling around, but eventually, Jester gets him to let her lead, arms looped around his neck. His hands linger around her waist, and she can’t hide a snicker at how awkward he’s being. His face turns red, and she grins.

They only sway together, aimless as the song peters out, and Jester hums her own little ditty as they wait for the band to start again. Her eyes are shut as she hums. Caleb’s hands finally settle on her waist, and she just revels in the company of her friend. When she peeks through her eyelashes, Jester can see Caleb’s eyes fixed on a point behind her head. She can’t help but wonder what he’s thinking about. 

She closes her eyes again. The swaying lulls her into a gentle rhythm, enjoying the sounds of people talking and living around them. Maybe, Jester thinks, if she closed her eyes for long enough, she could travel to the last time they danced. They’d danced at the fancy Nicodranas ball, but the noises weren’t right for then. The ball had been full of people pretending, and no one was really pretending here. People were coughing and laughing and living with reckless abandon here. 

What about the first time she’d gotten Caleb to dance with her? It was so long ago, it’s hard to remember. Well, it wasn’t _that_ long ago, but it felt like such a long time since then. They didn’t know each other at all then, and Caleb was still very stinky. She didn’t have Sprinkle, and she didn’t know much at all about everyone. 

She’s so proud of them, for how they’ve grown together. It’s very poetic. They’ve ended wars together, they’ve saved lives together, they’ve.. Ruined lives together. But they’re still here now. And very much better for it.

Caleb’s changed too. He’s so happy lately. She can tell; Jester sees a lot more than she lets on. He’s so much warmer with Beau and with Veth, he’s more trusting. He worries less. Maybe she doesn’t know much about why he worries so much, but she knows they’re there for each other. 

And did they ever hear about Astrid? The girl she and Veth had sent that letter to? The girl Caleb had called Jester the last time they danced? Something in her throat tightened, and she felt her forehead crease just a little. Astrid. Ash-trid. 

She opens her eyes to see Caleb gazing back at her, and she’s.. 

It feels like they really had shot back to the first time they danced. Caleb had heavy eyes, and heavy hands, and lead feet. His eyes are heavy again too, heavy with something she can’t really read. His face is marked with worry lines, the corners of his eyes tired and low. It’s like they’d never left the dance floor of that tavern several months ago. It’s almost disconcerting to not feel Caleb’s old tattered fur-lined coat under her arms. 

But it’s almost like she imagined it. The band has launched into a more jaunty tune, with a bouncing rhythm that echoes off the cheers of the seated patrons. Caleb is smiling again and she smiles too, and he reaches to lead the dance before Jester can protest. 

One two-two, one two three, one two-two.. He leads her through a dance she doesn’t really recognize. It’s one full of skips and sharp movements. Almost like a jig, but more smoother. Jester won’t let herself be outshined by Caleb though, and she quickly catches on after a few seconds of following his lead.

Her skirts swirl around her legs, and her tail lashes with excitement, knocking into fellow dancers’ legs but not enough to slow anyone’s dancing. So many more pairs have joined the dancing too. There’s bumbling drunk partners, and a lovely pair of old ladies just swaying, and so many people with smiling faces and flushed cheeks stamping and swinging to the music.She can’t help the giggles bubbling up her throat, and Caleb’s smile has grown to make his eyes happy crescent moons. They knock knees, and laugh when they stumble over their boots.

It’s so much of a change from the first time they danced, but it doesn’t feel like it. Even though it should! It just keeps tugging at her mind, and when she gets another good look at Caleb, she really _looks_.

Caleb isn’t in the same moment she is. He’s remembering something else, his eyes are somewhere else. Not on her. They haven’t been on her at all, have they? This is a dance he’s done before, she realizes, with someone not her. Does he realize that, she thinks? Can he see what she sees? 

Jester’s smile softens to something less wild, and as the dance comes to a clapping and rattling finish, the seated crowd erupts into cheers and laughter. The other dancers pant and hold tight onto each other, and Jester watches Caleb grasp for something out of his reach. His eyes flick to meet hers, still crescented, and she slips her hands out of his.

The music shifts to something slower, something melancholic. Something to help the dancers cool down, Jester reasons, as she grasps Caleb’s forearms. This time, she leads him. It’s a simple two-step, that swirls them carefully across the dance floor. It’s effortless, and he makes no move to interrupt it as they dance.

“Hey, Caleb?” Jester’s voice is soft, and she watches him blink. His face is flushed, and he looks happy, but it isn’t the right kind of happiness. It’s a kind of happiness for something that doesn’t exist, and Jester knows that now. 

He can only hum in response, still gazing down at her. Another tap of their boots, still dancing around other pairs and partners. 

“What do you see when you look at me?”

The question is innocent enough, and she can see him processing that. His eyes flick to the side, and then back forward. His brows move together tightly, but he still smiles. Caleb looks frazzled.

“What do you mean? I see you, Jester.” He ends the sentence on a breathless laugh. She would be hurt by the condescension in his voice if she was paying more attention.

“No, you don’t.” 

He looks even more confused by that, blinking rapidly. Their dance slows, but they continue. 

“You aren’t seeing me, Caleb.” Jester pauses, and acts on an instinct. “The jig. That was something you danced with Astrid, wasn’t it?”

She takes his silence as an answer. She presses on. Jester’s still smiling, but it’s tinged with a sweet sort of sadness. “Do I look like her, Caleb? I mean, I don’t think she was a blue tiefling, but do i?”

He looks sadder now, and she has to pull him along as they dance. His eyes are back on the ground. She doesn’t shift her eyes from his. She squeezes his hands, and when he realizes she wants him to answer, he does. “No. Not really, you are different.” He pauses again. “Same height. Same spirit.”

Jester hums this time, and she leans forward to put her head against his chest. They continue to sway, back and forth, Jester’s dance now leading them through listless steps in the same place. She closes her eyes, and just listens to the rabbiting beat of his heart. 

“I’m not what you’re looking for, Caleb. I’m not her, I’m Jess-ter.” She stresses the syllables of her name, her voice still light and sweet, like pulled puff candy. “I can’t be what you want me to be, but I like you a lot still. We’re friends. We can just dance as Caleb and Jester. Okay?”

Caleb stills, and they stand in the middle of the dance floor together, as the couples around them continue to sway. His pulse slows behind her ear, and she squeezes his hand. 

When Jester looks up at him, she sees the look in his eyes again. It’s just as heavy as before, but there’s something there. There’s a glint of understanding, of realization, and he squeezes her hand back. They stand there together, before Jester pulls back. She bows forward, just a bit, offering Caleb a smile. He doesn’t smile back, but he looks softer now. Resigned, but comfortable in it. Jester offers him her hand, and when he takes it, she leads him back to their friends.

**Author's Note:**

> someone in a cr server i'm in pointed out a song that made me think of caleb's crush on jester, and my feelings just kind of spilled out onto a google doc. the song was 'heart-shaped face' by angel olsen, and if you take a look at the lyrics, it really works. of course the fic's title is a lyric from the song, who do you take me for??


End file.
